Revenge of a Male Chauvinist
70
The Male Chauvinist
Bob Streitman, psychology teacher at Wynda Bay High, was a male chauvinist. At the beginning of each school year, he would lecture that the female brain is smaller than the male's and so, naturally, men are superior to women. Although Bob liked girls and even coached the girls' basketball team, he certainly enjoyed picking on them -- and on me. One of my biggest but never fulfilled ambitions was to have some of my students construct a huge Trojan Horse to be wheeled into Bob's classroom. The horse would open and a group of girls would hop out and sing "I Am Woman." (www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUBnxqEVKlk)
(Helen Reddy and Ray Burton)
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
While Bob derided women, I lectured on the theory that we once had a matriarchal society that worshipped the Great Earth Mother -- until men screwed up the world with their bronze weapons and their sky gods of war and thunder. The students who took both of our classes were amused by the barbs Bob and I threw toward each other.
Pink Toilet Paper
One year, after Bob had sent his students into my classroom to act out various psychoses, my first period class declared they wanted revenge on that man for daring to interrupt such an important discussion! After some debate, we decided to roll Bob's classroom -- with pink toilet paper. I insisted on pink for two reasons: First, pink is for girls, blue is for boys. Second, and most important, pink would prevent the students from stealing toilet paper from the restrooms.
The next morning quite a few students arrived with rolls and rolls of pink toilet paper, I notified the school newspaper to be on the scene, and then my students and I marched into Bob's classroom and rolled it with pink toilet paper. ( I personally rolled the toilet paper around Bob to make him resemble a mummy!)
The Male Chauvinist's Revenge
I did not escape unpunished. That same day, when I returned to my classroom after lunch, I was horrified to find no furniture. Even my own desk, with my gradebook on top of it, had vanished, Books from my bookcases were lying on the floor, spelling out "Hi Teach," and pink toilet paper was piled everywhere!
I almost panicked. That sadistic male chauvinist had destroyed my classroom and maybe my teaching career! This was the last day of the grading period, and the only record of my grades was in the missing gradebook! I had group skits scheduled -- a major grade -- and no place to hold them.
Fortunately, a nearby colleague, who did not teach that period, offered me her classroom and so my students were able to do their group presentations. A little while later, we found the furniture in a custodial room, and my grade book was still on my desk. Eventually we found my lectern hidden above the ceiling tiles.
My male chauvinist friend had gotten his revenge!
What Goes Around Comes Around
Bob won that battle. He had managed to destroy my classroom and had caused me to panic. But three days later the school newspaper came out. There, on the front page, was Bob, dressed up in toilet paper like a mummy! So who had the last laugh? I am woman!
CommentsLoading...
You are right, Shadesbreath. He and I were great friends and loved exaggerating our roles of chauvinist and women's-liber to keep the kids on their toes. I'll admit I was a little worried about my missing gradebook and having to find an empty classroom, but it all worked out. Oh, and he did threaten my car if I pursued the battle. I decided the newspaper picture was victory enough!
On a more serious note, I'll never understand what exactly doomed the matriarchal society. It seems people would enjoy having sex more than having war. (lol)
Hi, really funny, I love the pink toilet paper! brilliant, as we always say, women get the last laugh! cheers nell
I think it's because, down deep, men don't like sharing their wimmins, and matriarchy often includes polygamy that doesn't work the way the good kind of polygamy does. :D
If I spend an extra eight seconds thinking on it, I might also speculate that a matriarchal society would have to be a more contemplative one, one more rapt and wrapped up in the spiritual or the awe factors of the universe. I think we're in the part of the cycle where the awe wore off and we returned to our more primal nature again. Maybe evolution worked where the monkeys figured out there was more to life than eating bannanas and throwing poo, became environmentally and self aware enough to be awed by the "magic" of producing life, and went through that phase until "science" produced bronze and then taking life was a way to get power (sort of a reverse women's sufferage movement) and so we're in that phase still, until some new awesome event comes and humbles us again. We're really not all that far into our patriarchal phase if you look at the archaolgical records compared to this genetic critter we got going right now.
Or not, just thought I'd ramble a bit.
This is so funny, where did you buy pink toilet paper, must be from a specialty shop where ONLY WOMAN shop:0) Heck I would have gone out and bought BLUE TP instead up using yours. No matter how you cut it, a woman in the end will always have the last laugh. My last wife told me no matter what, she would always get the last word in and guess what? she did as she emptied our joint account and promptly closed it.LOL...divorce papers were signed the following weekL0))) Loved this hub, can you please record that song and send me a copy:0) just kidding.
Thanks, Nell Rose. As I said in the hub, "I am woman." One of these days I may write about my personal woman's liberation. In this case, though, it was all in fun.
You know , Shadesbreath, even if you spend only 8 seconds thinking about something, you can open up many avenues of thought. You are right that the matriarchal society definitely (from my limited reading) did not encourage monogamous relationships. Even after males had taken over, vestiges of the old still appeared, as in JULIUS CAESAR in the feast of Lupercalia(??) when a man with a whip was to touch the virgins to make them fertile. (I am going back so many years that I may be totally in error.)
I do believe the matriarchy was more peaceful -- and probably more concerned with fertility of the soil, as well as having babies, than the patriarchy.
I am still not sure why the POWER STRUGGLE started.
Saddlerider, I am so sorry your divorce was bad. At age 19 I got married; at age 39 I chose to divorce my husband who was 9 years older than I. I gave him the house (in both of our names), half of the furniture, etc. Because he had made the most money and I was the one choosing to leave and I felt guilty about leaving him, i gave him most of everything. Not all women are like your ex-wife!
Pink t.p. used to be sold everywhere!
Pink T-Paper! Well thats all I use!
As far as the getting even goes, sounds like with this guy, you were lucky to not find a slight tangy taste in your coffee mug. Great hub, thanks L.J.
Very funny hub!
I know why it started. Only one gender has boobs and ... girl parts... and only one gender has muscles and gets to pee standing up. How does conflict not arise with that kind of inequity going on?
Lightning John, I was always very careful to guard my coffee! Thanks!
Bayoulady, I am glad you enjoyed!
Amusing!
Shadesbreath, I am sure part of it was caused by the inequity...and perhaps jealousy over that inequity. Have you read LETTERS FROM THE EARTH by Mark Twain? It is one of the funniest satires I have ever read.
Nelllieanna, if you were amused, then I achieved my purpose. Thanks.
Yes, I have. That's nearly up there with Paradise Lost for taking liberties with the Bible. I do love a good honest evaluation of things, especially written so delightfully. You know, I need to put that one on my list of stuff to read again.
I am in North Carolina now, and my books are in Florida. Otherwise, I would have that book in my hand. I started thinking about candlesticks and candlestick holders as I was pondering why we went from matriarchy to patriarchy. And then I remembered what Satan said about Heaven. What does man leave out of Heaven? The one thing he values the most. Prayer takes its place! I can almost quote it. It is brilliant!
The thing I love is that I sort of intuited a lot of that before I came across it. At least the stuff about how boring would it be to be stuck with nothing but a bunch of righteous a-holes singing and playing harp. The bonfires are downstairs, yo! :D Twain is definitely awesome timeless wit. He's up there in my book with Wilde, Voltaire, Swift, Franklin, Shakespeare and a few others that aren't popping to mind, but will later.
Loved this hub! He got his revenge but yours was sweeter with the newspaper article!
Thanks, Izzy. I wish the newspaper had not been in black and white!
Shadesbreath, I loved it when Satan said, "You can see how unreal their heaven is to them. How mahy of them are taking harp lessons?" or words to that effect.
I used to enjoy teaching Voltaire's "Candide." One year the word went out that I was teaching "Candy," a popular little novel. Some signed up for my course because of that. Boy, were they surprised!
you are no mystery my sweet hub lady - you were born to write like the wind - and in all four directions - you are truly a force of nature - and that is no mystery - although nature can be mysterious and unpredictable too!
Epigramman, thank you! While I have written more than my share of analytical essays, HubPages is my first attempt at being more "creative."
Much as it pains this libber to say it, in the days when women ruled, we marginalized men much the same way as they marginalize us now. The good news being the pendulum always swings back, so after a few thousands years of men raping and pillaging Mother Earth, we'll rule the world again. (No doubt punching a hole in the ocean floor accelerated the process.) Meanwhile, we stay in practice by letting you guys *think* you run the show while we load up on pink toilet paper. Have a great day...
In the end, you beat him - he's got oral history, but you've got the documented proof.
But the real winners are your students, who have at least two teachers who are involved and creative instead of just phoning it in.
L.T.
I agree with Ltfawkes! Your students were very lucky to have a teacher that was so fun, and open minded as you.
JG, I'm afraid you are right. Each sex has marginalized and manipulated the other.There is a pendulum and it will swing back. We just don't know when -- or whether there will be an earth left.
LT, thanks. And you are right. Our antics kept kids involved a whole lot more than if we had read to them in a monotone.
Thank you, Lightning. I certainly did have fun!
This was a greta laugh - Helen Reddy makes it even funnier I can just see it - must have been an interesting 3 or 4 days!
Thanks, Billyaustin. I do like the Helen Reddy song. Another old favorite of mine is Eartha Kitt's "I Want to be Evil."
A great Hub and it brought a smile on this wet morning, I think the battle of the sexes has been going on ever since we discovered there was a difference.
My father's theory was that women were from a different planet from men and one day they would bugger off home leaving us none the wiser as to why they were here in the first place.
I say " Viva La Difference," I enjoy the fun and frolics the difference causes, not wishing to appear chauvanistic but we certainly think differently some times with hilarious consequences.
And of course if all else fails you can always have a headache !
Merlin, I am so glad I brought a smile to your face.
I love your father's theory. Isn't there a book called "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus"? I never read it, but I remember hearing about it. Your father's idea that women would someday leave the earth to men is priceless.
I actually prefer men to women. I can have more fun bantering with them. Oh, yes, "Viva La Difference!"
You see how different we are ? I have always enjoyed the company of women, preferably one at a time I must admit, much more fun.
You say we are different?? I say we are very much alike in our preference for the opposite sex. Of course, one at a time. And, btw, I don't get headaches!
Ha, ha. Sounds like you two had fun. Must have been a great school too, since many would not tolerate such folderol. In response to JamaGenee, my friend, do you not think women marginalize men now? By your own admission you let us think we run things (we really do, by the way.) While I am no chauvinist, (I love women, after all, and not necessarily in THAT way) you would think that women might show a little gratitude for what we have granted them. It doesn't involve me though. My favorite bosses have always been women, except for one man who was gay, so there. Now I'm off to read that silly Shadesbreath parody of yours truly.
By the way, the Trojan Horse would have been awesome!
I love your condescending "women might show a little gratitude for what we have granted them."(lol)
The Trojan Horse would have been perfect, but at least I got a picture of the mummy in the newspaper!
Was that condescending? My apologies. Actually, I put women on a pedestal...so I can look up their dress. Just a joke!
Christoph. you are forgiven. What would we do without the battle of the sexes?
I think possibly a pillow case over his head and a few punches from all the women on staff might have been more than appropriate for Bob....wow, talk about brain size! Thanks for sharing! WB
Thank you, Wayne. We did have fun teasing each other, but I think his seeing his picture in the school paper got to him a little bit!
Hi mysterylady. Sounds like you had some really good banter going with your sparring partner colleague. I bet the students loved it when the sparks started flying between you. I've tried to educate my ex regarding the superior brain power of men, but she tells me that the bigger male brain exists to simply fill out a fat head. I'm sure she's not following the logic of my argument!!! LOL. A brilliant hub, as usual! Kindest regards, Kev.
Kev, thanks for visiting. I tried to convince my ex that women had superior brain power, but he would not listen either!
Teaching could be fun.
Usefully funny! Great write!
Sounds like a lot of fun! Chauvinists should never forget we are wOmEn... WO more than men.
Martie, it was a lot of fun. I also enjoyed the exchanges of comments I had with Shadesbreath.
Thanks for dropping by!
Pink toilet paper? I love it! Great fun and glad you got your grade book back.
Love and peace
Tony
Thank you, Tony. I did think the color pink was a nice touch! I don't know what I would have done without my grade book.
You reminded me of a teacher at school who always had a toilet roll sticking out of her pocket. An amusing hub!
Aslanlight, I am happy that you found this hub amusing. I did not carry around a roll of toilet paper, but with the poor quality of the school's t.p., I probably should have!
you arrogant shithead, do you think you can derive happiness in humiliating the other person, you will have to repent someday for humiliating a person like this. Saddistic morons like you dont deserve even 1% of respect.You bloody female chauvenistic pig, time will surely teach you a lesson.I curse you that you will die a painful death alone where no one will take care of you. I also curse you that you suffer a prolonged menopause in your life, and your menstrual cycle should be so painful that you should become weak by loosing a lot of blood in your body.
Shadesbreath Level 5 Commenter 22 months ago
Hahah, sounds like a fantastic relationship between you, honestly. Either that or you have spun it so lightheartedly that some of the tension has been buffered for us. I can't help wonder, was he really a chauvinist, or just acting like it to motivate? I know I tease my daughter and wife all the time (in keeping with my theories of hair etc, as you know).
The pink TP was priceless, but then, so was putting the lectern up in the ceiling tiles. Sounds like a real Athens/Sparta relationship. :)
Oh, and you are quite right about matriarchy and bronze weapons/sky gods etc. Apparently thunder and spears trumps the miracle of birth, at least for a few thousand years. Wonder when it will flip back around. You have to figure this stuff is all cyclical.
Fun hub!